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Terribleness 2.0

I am not quite sure why, precisely, but I decided to sell my 3G-enabled 64GB iPad (which I actually stopped using in the last year or so) and my 64GB iPhone 5s...and got a OnePlus 2, with 64GB of storage and 4GB of RAM. The main reason for such a radical switch was that I now was a married man with many responsibilities and the 128GB iPhone 6s Plus was simply out of reach. However, I also wanted to fully experience "how the other side lives." Welcome to my nightmare.

Not only is the phone utter garbage (despite its sleek look-and-feel), but Android is the spawn of Satan himself. In fact, the more I use this total piece of shit of a device, the more I am confirmed in my total faith in the design and functionality of the iPhone.

Let us begin at the beginning: the phone drops calls like crazy—and this is really easy to gauge because I usually make calls at one of two places: my office at home and at my desk at work...and the OnePlus 2 just drops calls like there is no tomorrow. Oh, sure, it is dual-SIM enabled, but what bloody good is it if the SIM itself works only half of the time? The true test of this was when my wife and I vacationed in ______: the service was so spotty that it was like I was trying to connect to wayward WiFi hotspots: in short, nada.

Another thing that really pissed me off right away was the fact that I cannot use a web browser while making a call. This has become such a basic staple of everyday life that I stopped noticing the usefulness. Alas, going online while speaking simply disconnects the call every single time.

Now, if you thought that a phone that could not make phone calls was bad, how about a phone camera that cannot take photos? First of all, what the hell is up with Android asking me what app to use when I gesture on the locked screen for the camera to appear? Open the goddamn default camera app! The fact that there is also no easy way to call up the camera while you're doing something in another app is another goddamn disgrace. I thought this sort of multitasking issues were solved a decade ago!

At any rate, when the photos are taken, the AE lock and exposure settings are not intuitive in the least and the photos turn out with blurry edges and white faces. 12MP my ass! This is shit, not a phone camera.

Now, if you're still not sold on this incredible turd after the phone and camera fiasco, how about the fact that, when I plugged the phone into the Mazda 2 that we rented in ______, the car refused to play music? Or the fact that the phone dumbly plays all gapless tracks with blatantly annoying gaps? Or the fact that it cannot read the metadata of my music consistently? Or the fact that it cannot consume .M4A files without conversion? Or the fact that when I connect it via Bluetooth to my own car's stereo, I can no longer control the music from the car? 'Nuff said.

Do not let the low price or the specs of this phone fool you: Yes, it does have dual SIM, but this turned out to be a completely useless feature, since I do not have a secret lover and I am not a secret agent and hence there is no need whatsoever to have both SIMs active at the same time. No, it does not have expandable storage, so I'm stuck with a mere 64GB like in the dark ages of five years ago. Yes, it has a 13MP back camera and a 5MP front cameras but both seem to only work in Hall-of-Mirrors mode.

Above all, I am utterly horrified and disgusted by the design "aesthetics" and usability decisions behind Android OS 5.1.x. This in itself merits a separate post, but suffice it to say that this poor OS was enough to put me off mobile devices forever, so horrid it is.

What will I do in the meanwhile? Collect more scathing facts about the horrors of Android life and save money for the iPhone 7s Plus. Mahalo.

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